Ever lied to get a job? Ever lied to keep one? Sometimes lying
to the man is not essential but sometimes it sure as hell is fun.
He never had to lie in Tulsa. He just shined shoes and shagged
golf balls at the driving range and collected hangers from the
neighbors, sold them back to the cleaners at Utica Square. At
the country club, caddying required a sort of lie, that being a
smile and “nice shot” to asshole doctors and lawyers who tipped
him with melted Hershey bars from their golf bags, what a shit
tip to a kid who needed money, so he gave up caddying and dug
some holes, mowed some lawns, trimmed some trees and didn’t
notice that he was growing strong and muscled, that every job
had its workout benefits, and when he was a little older he
worked labor on the bridges and lied to the labor union guy
about his sick wife and children, that he’d join when he could
get a little money ahead, and he lied to the teamster rep when
he drove the steel truck, and he hid behind the crane when he’d
come around looking for him on days he wasn’t driving the
steel hauler. He lied to get the driving job, had never driven
bigger rigs before, learned on the job not to blow by weight
stations at seventy, eighty, and wave back when he saw them
waving wildly. They meant for him to stop loaded or unloaded
his luck that smokey wasn’t parked behind ready to go and
discovered what the granny gears that held him back would
do when he pulled that button on the gearshift, leapt ahead
to speeds for cars not trucks. He lied to the trooper when asked
if he’d unloaded anything in-state, and the smokey-hatted man
said if you hadn’t lied I would give you a warning but I watched
you unload equipment in Lincoln, ripped a ticket from his
book, said get proper plates and you got a mud flap missing get
that on there too, put your lame ass away next time hear me?
Turned into a decent driver learning on the road that way.
And he told a federal lie to the post office when they said they
were only hiring those who wanted a career when all he wanted
was a summer job to earn tuition, learned the Texas Scheme they
called it for sorting mail, a job he hated so much he volunteered
to unload mail trucks out on the back dock in Kansas City, fresh
air at least. He lied to a sheriff’s patrol when they said they only
wanted men who meant to make enforcement their life’s work
and lied by omitting saying that he thought blacks were treated
shitty there. All the lies he told or didn’t didn’t amount to anything
they all came true or turned white in the glinting light of day or
sometimes they just went away. You got to lie he said, no lie,
just to get by. Degree, you ask? Degree of lie, oh you mean
Bachelor of Arts or MBA or some shit, sure I did, got ’em all.
Those initials, code to get in the secret handshake room, got
there and found it empty, hollow, they couldn’t even spell, but
had a sheepskin, they were liars too it seems, that ain’t no lie.