Searching for Pat Conroy in Mexico

(a found play)
by Sparky Quagmire

FRANK:
I will bring mace. God dammit, I will use it.

DARIUSH:
I want to meet you down there.

MARK:
All day, we're letting these cats walk around and CRAP in our houses! And WE have to pick it up! That's not America! Friends, that's not even Mexico.

FRANK:
I'm not even asking Bill. He doesn't have a fucking choice. He can spearhead a dot.com company while eating a taco, snorting a line of coke and counting the minutes before some guy named Juan takes him into a backroom to show him first hand how the barrel of a third world gun feels against the side of his pretty first world head.

BILL:

DARIUSH:
Legally, I can cross into Mexico without travel documents via car as long as it's within the first fifty miles or so from the border, I believe.

BILL:

FRANK:
Enough talk already. This is a meeting of fire and oil, and I am burning for Mexico the way a female screenwriter's arm catches on fire during a New Years Eve fandango in Brooklyn.

(MARK shakes his head in disagreement.)

FRANK:
Not a single stolen radio in Mexico is playing Everclear, and there's always a reason for one member of Mexico's Congress to throw a punch at another member. It's fucking beautiful, man.

BILL:

DARIUSH:
The Justice Department has my application for naturalization, but that should take about ten to fourteen months, and then getting a passport, and all that shit —

FRANK:
— fuck that. I will film a rap video in Mexico. I will open an insurance firm. I will sell my mother down the river for a dollar. And I will never, never, never hear another Goo-Goo Dolls' song again.

DARIUSH:
But I also understand that ALL I need is a green card and I'm fine. I'm not sure about getting back into the States. Travel documents should take three to six months, no?

MARK:
I can only hope the kind Mexican republic leaves your bodies outside, and remembers to tag your feet for identification purposes.

BILL:

DARIUSH:
I'll check into it.

FRANK:
Check into it, you sexy mother fucker. Check your ass into it.