Where the Hell is Pat Conroy?

(a found play)
by Sparky Quagmire

Act I, Scene I

MARK:
Last night, I went to bed at nine, and I dreamed that Bill hanged himself.

DARIUSH:
This weekend, I decided to get rid of all my shwag by burning it into my lungs.

MARK:
Let's give Bill as many emails to go through as possible when he gets to Los Angeles, okay?

FRANK:
Okay, let's do that.

JENNIFER:
Perfection. Absolute perfection.

PHIL OLVEY:
Sorry you vegetarians, but you need to borrow some meat tenderizer from your more carnivorous friends!

ED KIM:
Hello, I won't be in today, but will be at my apartment after 1:00 and will be willing to do what I can from there.

Act I, Scene II

DARIUSH:
Sounds great. When do we start?

TRUMAN CAPOTE:
I would like to start out by informing you all that Dariush has decided to vault himself into the La Brea Tar Pits.

FRANK:
If this is the case, maybe we should all start touching ourselves.

DARIUSH (from the Tar Pits):
I picture lots of hot pinks and feathers. Lots of feathers.

CHARLES SHOPSIN:
I am going to be working from home this morning. I will be in around two.

Act I, Scene III

AMY:
It's really hot in here. I'm gonna take a shower.

DARIUSH (from the Tar Pits):
Why do I have to be so damn sexy?

MARK:
Is her last name "Wodon?" Because I think her last name is "Wodon."

ED KIM:
I will be in late tomorrow, around 3:00.

DARIUSH (from the Tar Pits):
He must be ready to strike.

Act II, Scene I

DONNA BACKUS:
I'd like to put a huge Yoplait container on the CEO of General Mills and set him loose on the streets of New York.

BRIAN WILKINSON:
While flossing last night, my floss shredded between two teeth. I tried to get the floss out of my teeth with more floss. I jammed more than the comfortable amount of floss and it stayed there all night. It really hurts. Safe to say I am never flossing again.

DARIUSH (from the Tar Pits):
Ravage me if you must.

Act II, Scene II

MARK:
Bill, I know you can't hear me now, but I thought you should know that Scott Weiland is now a fugitive from the law.

DARIUSH (from the Tar Pits):
At this point, it's all academic.

TERRY:
I'm sorry I brought up that thing about sleeping bags.

EDWIN CHILDRESS:
I guess this proves people just aren't religious anymore.

FRANK:
Who's Bill?

Act II, Scene III

MARK:
Where the hell is Pat Conroy?

WARNER ELECTRIC:
Contact-free sprag clutches may be applied as conventional over-running clutches if the drive speed of the outer-race does not exceed 65 percent of the inner-race's over-running speed, or sprag lifting speed. Please refer to speed definitions.

FRANK (wielding a gun at Scott Weiland):
That will be the last word you hear before you die: "Bridge."

BILLY BOB THORNTON:
Ya gonna eat yer French fried potaters?

JERRY SEINFELD:
The important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

(FRANK fires wildly into the crowd.)

DARIUSH (emerging from the Tar Pits):
I just wanted to document this moment, the moment I became a cock.

BRIAN WILKINSON (bleeding from a bullet in the abdomen):
Tomorrow I get a filling replaced. Wish me luck, and remember, no flossing.

MARK (taking refuge in the Tar Pits):
I can't say anymore other than: my God, how talented our friends are.

(FRANK continues to fire wildly.)

MIKE DALY (hoisting a bazooka onto his shoulder):
Dry your eyes, all other readers, the sappy part is over.